Help with confidence · London · Birmingham · Online
Low confidence: why it drops and how coaching helps
Why confidence can fall away even when your results are good, what tends to bring it back, and when low confidence points to something that needs more support. A practical guide first, with coaching at 1 Harley Street, in Edgbaston or online if you want help with it.
Written by Stuart Downing, NLP Master Practitioner and life coach. Reviewed
In short
What it is
Confidence is your sense that you can handle what is in front of you. It shifts from one setting to another, so you can feel sure of yourself in one room and shaky in the next.
What helps
Acting before you feel ready, keeping evidence of what you can do, and changing the harsh running commentary that follows every slip.
When to get more help
If low confidence comes with low mood most days, panic or avoiding people altogether, talk to your GP. They can point you to talking therapies too.
How low confidence shows up
Low confidence rarely announces itself. People describe it to me through what they do, or stop doing, far more than through how they feel.
- You keep quiet in a meeting, then hear someone else make your point.
- You over-prepare for routine tasks in case you are caught out.
- You turn down opportunities before anyone has the chance to turn you down.
- You apologise for things that aren’t your fault.
- You replay conversations afterwards, hunting for what you got wrong.
- You defer to people with less experience because they sound more certain.
- You feel steady in one part of your life and lose your footing in another.
- Compliments make you uncomfortable, so you brush them off quickly.
Why confidence drops
Confidence follows experience more than personality. It grows when you try something, get through it and notice that you did, and it shrinks when you stop trying. That is why it can fade after a career break, a redundancy, a breakup or years in one comfortable role, even in people who used to feel sure of themselves.
Confidence and self-esteem overlap without being the same thing: one is about what you think you can do, the other about what you think you are worth. The NHS guide to raising low self-esteem points out that steering clear of difficult situations feels safe for a while but tends to deepen the doubt, and I see the same trap with confidence.
- A step up. A promotion, a bigger client or a new team raises the stakes before your sense of yourself has caught up.
- Time away. Parental leave, illness or a gap between jobs can leave you rusty and unsure of your place.
- Old messages. Being compared, criticised or overlooked when you were younger can leave a voice that still says you are not quite up to it.
- Avoidance. Every meeting you stay quiet in makes the next one harder to speak up in.
If the doubt is more about your worth than your ability, the guide to low self-esteem may fit better. For shorter reads, see building confidence at work and confidence vs arrogance.
What I see in coaching
Most people who come to me about confidence are doing better than they think. Colleagues see someone capable; they see the gaps. The difference is usually in what they pay attention to. Every hesitation gets logged, and every success gets put down to luck, timing or somebody else.
Confidence tends to come back through action rather than insight. Understanding why you doubt yourself helps, but it is speaking in the meeting, making the call or sending the proposal that changes how you feel. So the work is partly about finding where the doubt started and partly about choosing small, specific things to do differently between appointments, then looking honestly at how they went.
People are often surprised by how situational it is. Someone who runs a department calmly may freeze at a family gathering, and that tells you more about the history behind the doubt than about any lack of ability.
What helps with low confidence
Some of this you can start today. Coaching helps when the doubt keeps winning. If low confidence is tangled up with low mood or anxiety that won’t lift, medical help comes first.
Things to try yourself
Keep a short weekly note of things you handled well, small ones included, and read it before anything that worries you. Pick one situation you usually avoid and do a smaller version of it. Listen to how you talk to yourself after a mistake, and ask whether you would say it to a colleague.
Think of each attempt as practice rather than a verdict on you. The point is to collect experience, which means coming back after an attempt that felt clumsy.
Where coaching helps
Coaching helps when you understand the problem and still hold back: the promotion you don’t apply for, the opinion you keep to yourself, the fee you won’t raise.
Sessions look at the beliefs behind the hesitation and give you practical ways to act on the days when the doubt is loudest.
When to see your GP or a therapist
Speak to your GP if poor confidence comes with feeling low or hopeless most days, if you have started avoiding work or people, or if worry is spoiling your sleep or appetite. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first.
If you ever feel unsafe, call 999. For urgent mental health support that isn’t an emergency, ring NHS 111 and choose option 2.
How I coach confidence
It begins with a free 30-minute phone call. You describe where your confidence lets you down, and I ask what you have tried so far and whether anything else is going on, such as anxiety or low mood, that your GP should hear about first.
The first session pins down the two or three situations that matter most and traces the doubt back to where it began. After that, a package of five, eight or twelve sessions, weekly or fortnightly, works through them in order, with something to try each week and support by email or text between appointments.
I use conversation, practical coaching methods and NLP techniques. NLP is common in coaching; the research on it is mixed, so I use it where it earns its place. Hypnotherapy is there if you would like it and is never required.
If you already know you want a coach for this, the page on confidence coaching sets out the format. Doubt often travels with imposter syndrome and fear of public speaking, which each have their own guide.
What a session is like
You bring a moment from the past week when you held back. Together you slow it down: what you noticed, what you told yourself and what you did. Then you rehearse a different response until it feels like something you could actually do, and pick one place to try it before the next session.
Building confidence with coaching and hypnotherapy
This three-minute video sets out how I combine coaching and hypnotherapy for confidence: finding where the self-doubt started, changing the thoughts that keep it going and practising new responses. Hypnotherapy is always optional when you work with me. It suits people who perform well and still doubt themselves.
Captions are available on YouTube.
Exercises used in sessions
A few examples of the tools you might use. Each one is shaped around the situations you bring.
The evidence file
A running list of what you have handled, written down at the time, so your memory can’t quietly edit it later.
The smaller version
Breaking an avoided situation into steps you can take now, such as asking one question in a meeting before aiming to chair it.
Rewriting the commentary
Catching the sentence you say to yourself after a slip and swapping it for one that is accurate, neither cruel nor falsely upbeat.
Common confidence patterns
These are common patterns, not individual client stories. Details always differ, and nothing about any client is shared.
Assured at work, unsure at home
Calm in the office and hesitant in personal life, or the other way round. The work is on what each setting stirs up.
Knocked back by a setback
A redundancy, a failed venture or a public mistake shook something loose. The work is on taking stock honestly and taking small risks again.
The quiet expert
Knows the subject better than anyone in the room and lets louder voices lead. The work is on speaking first and saying it plainly.
What clients say
Reviews published on this site, word for word.
The whole experience was fantastic from start to finish! Booking was easy and Stuart had a brief chat with me before I committed to an initial session. He put my mind at ease from the very start. Thank you Stuart, so very much!
I highly recommend Stuart. 10/10 experience. Right from the beginning he made me feel so comfortable and he seemed to genuinely care about what I had to say.
Qualifications
- Advanced Master Practitioner of NLP (DNLP)
- Master Practitioner of NLP (MPNLP)
- Psychotherapist (MNACHP)
- Master Hypnotist (DMH)
- EMDR Practitioner
- PSY-TAP Practitioner
- ADHD-CCSP
- Enhanced DBS
Questions about confidence
Can you build confidence as an adult?
Yes. Confidence grows through experience, so it can change at any age. People usually notice a difference once they start doing the things they had been avoiding, in small steps, and keep a record of how those steps actually went rather than how they feared they would.
What is the difference between confidence and self-esteem?
Confidence is your belief in what you can do in a particular situation. Self-esteem is your overall sense of your own worth. They affect each other, but you can have solid self-esteem and still lack confidence in one area, such as presenting or negotiating.
Why has my confidence suddenly dropped?
A sudden drop often follows a change: a new role, a setback, time away from work or a difficult relationship. Sometimes it arrives with stress or low mood. If it is affecting your daily life or comes with feeling down most days, talk to your GP as well.
Can coaching help with confidence?
Coaching can help when low confidence is holding you back at work or at home and you want practical change. It is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If anxiety or depression is part of the picture, see your GP, and coaching can run alongside that support.
How many sessions does it take to feel more confident?
Most people notice some change within the first few sessions, once they have tried one or two things they would previously have avoided. Change that lasts usually comes from a package of five, eight or twelve sessions, and I’ll suggest which suits you on the free call.
Do you coach confidence online?
Yes. Sessions run on Zoom, FaceTime or phone as well as at 1 Harley Street and in Edgbaston. Some people find it easier to talk about the moments they find hardest from their own home, and the methods are exactly the same.
Start with a free 30-minute call
You describe the problem. I tell you whether coaching is the right tool and how I’d approach it. If it isn’t, I’ll tell you that too. No obligation, and I reply within 24 hours.
- You send the formName, number and a line or two about what’s going on.
- I reply within 24 hoursBy phone or email, whichever you prefer, to book a time.
- A free 30-minute callYou decide afterwards. No obligation, no follow-up pressure.
Still deciding?
“I highly recommend Stuart. 10/10 experience. Right from the beginning he made me feel so comfortable and he seemed to genuinely care about what I had to say.”